When It Rains, It Pours

I’m sure you’ve all heard the age-old adage: when it rains, it pours. When one thing goes wrong, more things are sure to follow. Bad things rarely occur in a vacuum with nothing preceding nor following them.

The past few months in my life have been interesting, to say the least. Yet, despite all the “bad” that has occurred, I can’t help but find myself grateful for my life.

Back in January, I recorded my episode on the podcast This Is Actually Happening. It was the first time I’d talked about the incident since it happened nearly 10 years ago. I never really understood people who said things like, “It’s bringing up old trauma.” I just didn’t get that that was something that occurred. However, after recording the podcast, listening to both mine and my mom’s episode, a ton of emotions that I never fully processed came flooding back. For a couple months, I really struggled to manage them. It coincided with the end of my semester in school. I was stressed out trying to make sure I was ending school on my best foot, processing these emotions, and then I received the news of my friend Cameron’s suicide. All of this was compounded by the fact that I was working a complete opposite schedule to my boyfriend. He worked Monday-Thursday, and I worked Friday-Sunday. We didn’t have time to grocery shop together, let alone talk or go out.

I didn’t really feel like I had anyone to turn to. I knew I needed help processing my current life’s state, but everyone I know has their own problems in life. I typically feel guilty laying my problems on others. I’m in between therapists, and the last therapist I saw was truly one of my worst experiences. My anxiety was heightened in a way I haven’t really experienced before. For the first time, I was regularly having full on panic attacks, triggered by seemingly normal life events. I went to my regular doctor for some concerns unrelated, but while I was there, I briefly mentioned how I didn’t feel in control anymore. I told her I would really like a therapist, but I was having trouble finding one. While she didn’t give me a recommendation to a therapist, she did set me up an appointment with one of the student counsellors. They’ve already graduated, but are doing residencies before their practice begins in earnest. I was skeptical, but kept an open mind. In the meantime, I decided the best option for me was to find a new job. I was ecstatic when one practically fell into my lap. I left the gas station I’d worked at for the past two years, and moved on to a local pizza place. This left me free on the weekends with my boyfriend, which ultimately opened the door for what happened next.

I began seeing the student counsellor, and immediately I could tell that she was more knowledgeable than my other therapists. Our appointments were limited to only 30 minutes, but I’d leave each session feeling a bit more rejuvenated and hopeful. This all came to a climax when I had a horrible weekend. I spent the entire weekend fighting with my boyfriend over things that truly didn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. After I explained what happened, my counsellor told me, “You need to read this book. It’s called Complex PTSD by Pete Walker.” She told me that what I was describing to her was “textbook c-ptsd.”

I’d heard the term before, and even entertained the idea of it applying to me. However, I’d never really looked into it in depth. That same day after my appointment, I found the audiobook for free through my library. I began listening while doing some housework, and immediately I felt weight off of my shoulders. Pete Walker, in his book, was describing my life to me. He was connecting dots that I never had before. The reason I am the way I am is due to my chaotic childhood. Maybe that seems obvious, but I had never had any resource so plainly describe exactly what I felt in my own life. Since then, I’ve finished the book, but this is only the beginning. The next step in my journey is to find a therapist who will work with me on processing trauma. Even still, I already feel as if my life is changed from these realizations. And it came at such a perfect time, because after reading this book, more rain came flooding in.

A few weeks ago, I learned I was accepted into my school’s nursing program! It’s extremely exciting, but there are unique stressors tied to entering nursing school. After being accepted, I attended an orientation where the nursing staff went over all we would need to know for the upcoming school year. Then, we signed up for our classes. It’s… a lot.

Between CPR certification, background checks, buying books and supplies, making sure all vaccinations are up to date, getting the Covid-19 vaccine, getting a TB test, scheduling a physical, and figuring out how to PAY for all of this stuff, it was immediately overwhelming. Then, when I scheduled my classes for the semester, the available options lined up so that on Mondays I will be on campus from 8:15 a.m. until 9:30 p.m. Wednesdays are similar, but I’ll leave at 5:30. Fridays, my shortest days, will end at 11:30 a.m.

So, this past Monday was that orientation. I knew it would be hard financially, but I also knew with the support of my boyfriend, and if I picked up some extra hours, it would all work out okay. Wednesday, another bump in the road appeared. The pizza place I’d just started working at gave all of its employees 3 days notice that it was closing forever. This 3 days turned into only one, because everyone in town found out they were closing. Thursday was the busiest day of my entire life. From 11 am until 4 pm I was stuck at the register, running around filling orders, helping the waitresses, or trying to get my jobs done. The business was so intense that we ended up running out of all of our ingredients, making Thursday our last day of operation.

Now, with all of the nursing things weighing down on me, I need to find a new job. Thankfully, I think that I’ve already figured something out, but I’m not sure when I will be able to start. In the meantime, I’m doing some odd jobs for friends and family. It’s all been so intense. It feels as if one thing happens right after the other, before I can even process the first thing. I can’t help but feel grateful, though. Grateful that I found that book just in perfect time. Grateful that my boyfriend is so patient and understanding, so willing to help me when it’s needed. In a strange way, I can just tell that I am going to end up in a better position now that all of this stuff has happened, than if everything had been going smoothly. It seems the last time big changes occurred in my life, it propelled me exactly where I needed to be to begin nursing school. Perhaps I’m naïve, or it’s wishful thinking. Either way, I’m hopeful that this downpour will lead me to beautiful gardens.

So what will it be? Let the rain wash you away, or collect & utilize it towards your garden’s growth?

photo source: “Water in English Gardens (10 of 33) | Stream-side Planting in Trebah Gardens, Cornwall, England” by ukgardenphotos is licensed under CC BY-NC-ND 2.0