I have known for quite some time that a theme in my life is my tendency to ignore my own needs and put others’ above them. It’s not something I do consciously. In fact, I feel like a lot of the time, I don’t even recognize what my needs are. The same can be said about my emotions. I don’t often give myself permission to just *feel* things. I put on quite the show of mental gymnastics, rationalizing my feelings away.
For example, within my relationship with my fiancé, I tend to err on the side of not communicating my feelings. This is because I feel like my feelings are a burden. To express my stress is to add stress onto his already stressful plate, and that is simply unacceptable. Instead of just talking to him, I push my feelings out of the way and get on about my day. Of course, this never seems to work. The stress eventually rises to the surface and comes out without my permission. It comes out in uglier ways than if I had just sat down and talked about it to begin with.
The thing is, Josh is one of the most patient, caring, and understanding people I’ve ever met. When I do express any problems I am having, he is quick to comfort, advise, and talk through it. The reasons I push my feelings away have nothing to do with the way he reacts to them. Instead, it’s like I preemptively make decisions for him. I don’t talk to him because I decide that it would just stress him out. Or I don’t talk to him because of x, y, z. There’s always a reason in my mind to deny my truth.
Another theme in my life is negative self-talk. It goes hand in hand with the emotions thing. If I feel something I don’t particularly want to, I tell myself that I’m silly for feeling that way, that there’s no reason to feel that way. The moment I begin to feel sad, I spiral into negative thought loops about how I’m destined to be depressed forever. Instead of simply allowing the feelings to exist and feeling them, I, once again, push them away and almost shame myself for feeling that way to begin with.
Maybe you can see the picture here. It’s me who lacks patience, care, and understanding for myself. Whatever comes naturally to me, I push away and disown. I deny my own needs to the point of being unable to recognize what they are. A simple example of this that I realized recently:
Josh and I have been to many concerts. Most of them are bands that he really enjoys. Usually, I enjoy the bands too, but there have been some concerts that I attended only in support of Josh. I bend over backwards to attend them. We’ve gone as far as Nashville and Cleveland, staying in hotels, to see some of his top musicians. Yet, when a musician I love is close by, I get busy with those mental gymnastics, rationalizing away my desire to go. Very recently, I got a notification that one of my favorite bands is going to be in Indianapolis in April. It’s on a Wednesday, which isn’t ideal because Josh works Wednesdays. That hasn’t stopped us from going to concerts before. His job offers plenty of vacation time. I kept telling Josh that it was okay, we didn’t need to go. He assured and reassured me that we absolutely could make it happen. He reminded me that the band is one that he enjoys as well, and we would have a good time together. Still, there was a part of me pushing back and fighting it. I can’t even explain why, but I was filled with a lot of guilt for wanting to go. Finally, I gave in. I bought the tickets. Immediately, I was flooded with pure excitement and joy. I very obviously wanted to go to that concert, but my instinct was to deny my desire. Why do I do that?
I think it all comes down to what self-love really is. Self-care is a trend that has taken off since 2020. It’s taking bubble baths with candles and reading a book. It’s doing face masks or hair care. It’s buying yourself something just for the heck of it. But what if it’s even more than that? What if it’s looking within yourself and simply accepting what you see? What if it’s putting an end to the mental gymnastics and just giving yourself permission to FEEL! Because the thing is, it’s okay to feel. I like to imagine myself as my best friend or a small child. If a small child or my best friend in the whole world were sitting in front of me and expressing to me the things I express to myself, I wouldn’t tell them they were wrong. I wouldn’t push their feelings away and make them feel guilty for feeling them. Quite the opposite. I would validate their feelings, remind them that it’s okay to feel that way. I would offer some solutions to help them feel better, if that’s what they wanted. More importantly, I would encourage them to do the things they love to do. I would tell them I love them and am there for them. Why can’t I do the same for myself? Is it because fundamentally, I am not loving myself?
I mean think about it. The way you treat people you love is with kindness and patience. You don’t shame them or make them feel guilty. You don’t belittle them. You celebrate their successes and tell them you’re proud of them. You believe in the good within them. For me, I think I treat myself the complete opposite of someone I love. I hold myself to unrealistically high expectations. I don’t give myself permission to be a human who makes mistakes. I talk to myself in mean, hateful ways. At the very bottom of it all, there is a part of me that believes I am a bad person. I treat myself like I don’t deserve to be happy. That somehow I’m an exception to the rules and while it’s okay for everyone else to be imperfect and human, I should somehow be better than that. I should be perfect, and anything less is disgusting.
This is a concept I’ve been working on in therapy. I actually feel a bit vulnerable sharing it on the blog, but I think it’s an important topic. I know I am not the only one who feels this way. In fact, I think it’s fairly common, especially for women, for us to put others’ needs above our own and deny our own feelings. Communication is key, they say, but they don’t really talk about how hard it can be to communicate when your own brain can play tricks on you. It can convince you that your feelings aren’t worth being communicated, or that you’re plain wrong for feeling them. It can convince you that you don’t even have needs, or that your needs are what your partner’s needs are.
I’ve talked about this before, but when I was traveling with Zach, it was an extreme example of putting someone else above me. For the almost year I was with him, “I” ceased to exist. Everything I did, felt, or said, was in the context of “us,” but mostly just “him.” Zach made most of our money, so I felt like I couldn’t ask for food or gas money. Our money went towards alcohol and cigarettes, and then we would ask for strangers’ leftovers. My needs were always an afterthought. When Zach wanted to have sex, we did, even if I wasn’t really interested. When Zach wanted to leave a city or stay in a city, that’s exactly what we did. If Zach wanted something, it happened. If I wanted something, well, it didn’t really matter. One of the biggest regrets I have from my time traveling is how little I saw. I was within miles of the Grand Canyon, but didn’t go. I passed by multiple national parks, but never went inside. I never hiked to beautiful sights. I never did touristy things like see the Garden of the Gods in Colorado. There were a few things I did get to do, like “get high at the highest point in Colorado,” but that was because it was something Zach wanted, too.
It mostly just makes me sad for past B. She wanted a very different traveling experience than the one she got, but because she was so wrapped up in what Zach wanted, it was like she didn’t matter. I know that I can do similar things even now, but I have made a lot of progress. And I fully intend to make even more progress.
A main goal of mine in 2023 is to stop denying my feelings. If I feel lonely, I’m going to reach out to friends instead of assuming that everyone is too busy to hang out or talk to me. If I feel inspired, I’ll sit down to write or create something instead of ignoring the feeling and scrolling on social media. If I feel hurt by something, I will talk to whoever hurt me instead of pushing it away and allowing resentment to build. If I feel lost or confused, I will ask questions. If I feel, I will act, I will talk, I will acknowledge.
It doesn’t come naturally to me to do these things. In fact, my natural inclinations are to do the complete opposite. It’s a lot to unlearn, but I’ve got a feeling that it’s the key to most other areas of my life. It really feels like the root of a lot of my problems. It’s the whole, “seeking external sources of filling the hole inside yourself” thing. I’ve got the power within myself to make myself happy, if only I stop ignoring my own needs, desires, and feelings. If only I love myself. It seems so simple when I put it down on paper, but it’s been a convoluted thing in my head for years now. I’m excited to see where these revelations take me, and I hope that by sharing them with you all, some minds are churning and reflecting.
Until next time ~
