Do you ever feel like you spend too much time using your phone? I know that I definitely do. I start each day with good intentions, just to while hours away scrolling through Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or Reddit. Sometimes, when using Reddit or watching YouTube videos, I can convince myself that I’m being productive, but for the most part, these things don’t bring real value to my life. Recently, productivity has become increasingly important to me. I don’t want to wake up one day 30 years in the future and realize that I hadn’t actually accomplished anything I had hoped to. Beyond that, by sticking my face in my phone for hours on end, year after year, I become more and more disconnected from myself. It’s a way to dissociate from reality. Any discomfort can be eased by unlocking my phone and losing myself in silly memes or other people’s problems.
When I was in 5th grade, I specifically remember how the popularity of Facebook blew up. You weren’t cool if you didn’t have one, and so I went home from school one day, lied about my age and made an account. Back then, my Facebook statuses were simply every single thought that popped into my mind. At 11 years old, I had no filter, and beyond that, no understanding of why one would even need a filter. My 5th-7th grade years were rough. I moved from my hometown to a different school in a slightly bigger city. I didn’t have many friends, and my mom wasn’t likely to encourage me to spend time outside of my house. As a result, I ended up spending quite a chunk of my time living on the internet. Then, I got my first cell phone. As high school rolled around, my life was centered in that device. When I would hang out with friends, we would sit around on our phones, occasionally reaching over to show each other something funny. When I realized what was happening and how disconnected from the world I felt, I got rid of my smart phone. Instead, I picked up a simple TracFone, just smart enough to call and text. Unfortunately, this didn’t solve my problem, because it led to me using my laptop more and more. Still, it planted the seed of wanting something more. Wanting something different.
Ever since that year, I’ve had an on and off battle with phone addiction. I don’t like how much time I spend wasting away on social medias, yet I still feel compelled to do so. It really gets to me. Why is it so hard to put aside? Here’s the thing: I don’t talk to many people online, and even the people I’m Facebook friends with aren’t very invested in my life. Nor I theirs. That isn’t to say I don’t appreciate the ability to stay in contact with these people, but think about it, when was the last time you REALLY connected with half of the people on your friends list? This simple fact has really bothered me. Not a whole lot in the world of social media feels real. If I’m not even connecting to these people, why do I have an immense fear of missing out?
A few times now, I’ve deleted my Facebook, just to come back to it a month or so later. I’ve deleted social media apps from my phone in an effort to use them less, just to find myself going to the browser sites. What is it that keeps me coming back? I’ve read some things about the design of these sites, and I know they’re designed to be addictive. Yet, when I heard that before, I kind of shrugged it off. So what if the sound of my messenger ringtone going off gives my brain a hit of dopamine, not dissimilarly to how cocaine does? The first sign of addiction is often denial.
In this day and age, quick fixes are plenty. Cheap sources of endorphins and dopamine can be found with a simple tap of the finger. My phone provides my brain with exactly what it needs, so why would I bother reading a book, or doing a craft? Why work for something that’s freely available? I can get all my validation via the likes on my profile picture, and all my entertainment from watching other people do really cool things with their time. Never mind doing productive things like writing, or learning a skill. I don’t need those things when I’ve got the world at my fingertips.
Well, I’m tired of that being my reality. I’m tired of artificially stimulating my mind. I want to DO things with my time. I want to make things happen. I want to look back in 10 years and know that I did everything I could do grow as a person. I want to connect with myself and others in an authentic way, not a half-assed click-of-a-button way. I want people to know I support them because I am there with them, not because I hit the heart-react button on their Facebook status. And please don’t get me wrong: the technology available that allows us to connect to people even when they are miles away is NOT a bad thing. But the shallowness and inauthenticity that I feel surrounded by can be detrimental. When you live in the most connected world that has presumably ever existed, yet you feel more disconnected and lonely than ever, there’s likely a problem.
I realize this has turned into a rant. I suppose I feel pretty strongly about these things. I yearn for something different. So, when I heard about dopamine fasts, I was immediately interested. The premise I followed was this: 24 hours with no electronics, no phones, television, video games; activities allowed are reading, writing, meditating, walking, yoga; no laying down until bedtime; no unnecessary eating, one meal in a day. The idea being that denying yourself the cheap hits of dopamine will make the analog activities more enjoyable, and therefore I would spend more time on the hobbies I wished to hone. I set out to complete the 24 hours with the understanding that I could continue beyond a day if I decided. The first day was difficult for me. Towards the last 4 hours, I became irritable. I was more bored than I ever expected to be, yet I still had no desire to reach for the things I was allowed. Reading and writing seemed like the last thing in the world I’d want to do. So, I sat there, doing nothing, in hopes that I would achieve something. Unfortunately, this 24 hour experiment taught me that it may take longer than I expected to “reset” my brain. A single day wasn’t going to do the trick. Still, I didn’t feel like my day was wasted. An important lesson was learned.
The next week of my life passed by fairly uneventfully. I’d somewhat reverted back to my ways of spending most of my time on my phone. The desire for something different remained in the back of my mind, stewing. I had a million excuses as to why I couldn’t go without my phone for more than a day, yet none of them were of sustenance. When it was no longer possible to kid myself, I sent a message to my friend Alina, whom I was in the habit of talking to most of the time:
“Tomorrow when I wake, I’m going to attempt another ‘dopamine fast’ but this time my intention is to be less strict and go for longer. So I’ll still watch TV occasionally, but not use my phone. I’m letting you know I’m not ignoring you. I don’t know how long I expect myself to last, but it won’t be longer than a week.”
10 days passed, and I hadn’t yet reached back out to Alina to tell her I’d finished. I found I quite liked being off my phone. I checked it periodically through the day, to ensure I wasn’t missing anything important. In fact, I still very occasionally sent little messages to Alina, just to check in. It seemed I’d finally broke the hold Facebook, Instagram, Reddit, and Twitter had had over me. When I was feeling bored, my first instinct was not to swipe my phone unlocked and dissociate from my feelings of discontent. Instead, I’d pick up The Hero of Ages by Brandon Sanderson, which I had intended to finish an entire month earlier. Or, I’d journal a bit in my Leuchtturm 1917. Perhaps I’d crawl onto the floor and do a 20 minute yoga routine. My boyfriend and I had taken to walking through our town for an hour or so a day. At the 7th day mark, I had a moment of profound clarity. I realized how I’d spent the past years running from myself, hiding my true feelings, and disappearing in any way possible. It wasn’t always through my phone. Sometimes it was drugs or packing all my things into my car, taking off across the country. A week into my dopamine fast, I realized I didn’t mind spending time with myself. I didn’t need to always be occupied, because my mind was not something to run from. The moment didn’t last that long, but it felt extraordinary. It made me believe that what I set out to do was accomplished. With goal achieved, I became complacent. I messaged Alina more frequently. We made plans to video chat, and after that, I wasn’t really absent again.
Slowly, I allowed myself more and more. I would sneak a peak at Facebook or Instagram. I’d use my phone to draw with the digital sketchbook. Each excuse seemed innocent enough, until suddenly it seemed I was sucked back in. I write this, now, after a day of wasting time. My phone has snuck its way back into my hands, and I wasn’t even fully aware it was happening. That isn’t to say my time has been completely wasted. In the past month, I have picked up the hobby of fishing, which has been extraordinarily rewarding. I have been experimenting with meditation. I read George Orwell’s 1984. The downsides are that I have been eating junk food, and I stopped taking yoga as seriously. So, I write this now, setting an intention to get myself back on track. I know transformation is possible. I also know what it is I want. Now, all that is left is action. I am challenging myself to stay focused in this digital age, and I encourage you all to challenge yourselves as well. What is it that brings you fulfillment? Perhaps there’s a dream you’ve let fall to the wayside in exchange for the easy, yet artificial, pleasure of social medias. Perhaps your vice isn’t social media at all, but you feel you spend too much time on your phone regardless. You can limit yourself. You can dictate your life. I am on a journey of doing what I want in life, setting goals AND accomplishing them. I am striving for more, aiming to change the world by changing myself. And I wish you all would do the same.
It may be easier than ever today to become distracted, but it makes it all the more rewarding when we achieve what we set out to.
