Something about aging leads to an increase in reflecting upon one’s life. At least for me it does. Each year, as my birthday approaches, I find myself thinking about all of the different versions of myself I’ve known. I think about all the ways I’ve changed through the years. I specifically focus on how the past year itself has changed me. The big events, achievements, moments of the year. I think in general, this time of year is one for reflecting. The new year inspires similar self-reflection. I think this feeling is amplified by the fact that this year, I turned 25. A quarter of a century has passed me by, and I certainly have a lot to show for it.
24 was a big year for me. It was kick started with my dad getting sick and subsequently dying. The day after his death was the first day of my semester, and nursing school being as rigorous as it is, I felt I had no option but to jump right in despite grieving. It didn’t help that my sister immediately began accusing me of horrible things, and in general, was very uncooperative in planning. At 24 years old, I planned and paid for every part of my father’s service and celebration of life. It was such an isolating experience. I didn’t tell my friends at school. Josh went back to working third shift so he was tired and unavailable. I spent the month of January perpetually in the bath tub, using the hot water as a way to cope.
February and March were spent working and doing school to pass the time. At the end of March, I was finally able to bury my father’s remains. April and May contained the typical end of semester hecticness. I managed to finish the semester with a 4.0.
In May, I began going to the gym on a regular basis. I asked a friend of mine who works out regularly to help me come up with a work out plan for myself. I began to really enjoy my time in the gym. I started to see noticeable differences in my strength. I began working at an all time high. Work was giving out bonuses like they were candy, and I was pretty desperate for any extra money I could muster up.
June was a busy month. My friend Grace got married at the beginning of the month, and I was one of her bridesmaids. That came with all of the associated wedding events, and it was such a fun time. Later that month, my friend group and I all went to Lake Michigan. We hiked through some sand dunes and then lazed around on the beach for the rest of our afternoon. We all left with sun burns and full hearts. The very end of June was filled with plans with other friends I tend to neglect when school is in session. Then, I was able to dog sit for a family I’ve grown to love.
July, Josh and I got a new kitten named Sophie. I started a new job, giving myself a total of three jobs. Outside of working in July, the only other exciting thing was going to a Mudvayne concert.
August came and with it a new semester of school. Balancing work with the countless simulation labs was a difficult feat, but I found the content of this semester to be the most interesting so far. I am taking a Med-Surg class that focuses on different disease processes that are common to find in a typical medical surgical unit of any hospital. We’ve learned about COPD, lung cancers, peripheral artery disease, multiple sclerosis, Parkinson’s disease, diabetes, postoperative care, and so on and so forth. In our mental health class, we learned a little bit about a variety of mental disorders such as mood disorders, psychotic disorders, personality disorders, etc. Each of those classes also had a clinical component.
My psych clinical, I already briefly talked about in my post “Time Passes Anyway.” I was really surprised by how much I enjoyed it. For med-surg, the clinical has been so fun. I feel like I have learned much more in 7 short weeks than I had in all of my previous courses. Hands-on experience is unparalleled in the world of nursing. I’ve gotten to see a lot of really cool (and gnarly) things. There was a patient with an LVAD, which is basically an external heart pump. I had seen an episode of Grey’s Anatomy in which an LVAD was featured, but hearing one in real life was surreal. When I placed my stethoscope on the patients chest, instead of the lub-dub of a beating heart, I heart mechanical whirring of a machine pumping blood through their body, keeping them alive. They’re on the heart transplant list, but until then, the hope is the LVAD can keep them going.
I got to see the hernia repair surgery, which was absolutely awesome. I’ve seen some crazy wounds, one even going down to the bone. I got to work with some really cool nurses who were helpful in teaching me about all the little things that might get lost when focusing on the books and lectures. Nursing skills such as IVs, blood draws, medication administration, or placing catheters are taught to us in simulations using mannequins, but nothing compares to the real deal. As I experience more time in the clinical setting, I keep feeling validated in my choice to go into nursing. I feel like I’m in my element. I’m so excited to finish the year and a half I have left to get out into the world, no longer a student, but always learning.
In August, Josh and I had also managed to get free tickets to see one of his favorite bands, August Burns Red. After the concert, we stuck around and Josh got the singer’s autograph. September mostly passed in a blur of work, school, and clinical. October was filled with excitement. My friend group from nursing school planned a trip to a pumpkin patch with all of our significant others. We were all in the same place for the first time together. It was cool meeting the people who mean so much to the girls I spend a lot of time with and have grown close to. October also held Josh and my trip to Cleveland, which has its own post here as well.
November contained Josh’s birthday, thanksgiving, a new nose piercing, and a hell of a lot of stress as finals approached. Which leads us to my birthday itself.
December 1 was on a Thursday. Thursdays also happen to be my clinical day. I went into my week knowing full well that I would be spending my birthday in a hospital for 12 hours. I came to terms with it. The morning of, I woke extra early so that I could open the gifts Josh had got me. I am quite obsessed with popcorn, but as I get further into my health journey, I don’t like the idea of eating popcorn that’s been saturated in all sorts of weird oils. Josh gifted me with an air popper and a spray bottle to put an oil of my choosing in. It was one of the most exciting gifts I’ve ever received, and one week later, it’s already seen a lot of use.
I went into my clinical, but I felt awkward about telling anyone it was my birthday, so I didn’t. I spent my day in the cancer infusion center, learning more about chemotherapy and the process of outpatient infusion. Unfortunately, it was a very slow day. The hours dragged on, and since students can’t handle chemo drugs, there wasn’t a lot for me to get hands-on experience with. The day did finally come to an end, but I was feeling a bit depressed. I couldn’t quite pin it down, but I think I had bigger expectations for my birthday than I had realized, and I ended up feeling a little disappointed. I resolved to spend the evening doing some self care. When I got home, I received a message from my little brother. He didn’t acknowledge it was my birthday. He asked me for money. I kind of lost it. I said some mean things to him, but I also said things that he has been needing to hear but no one will tell him. The interaction kind of sent me spiraling further into my disappointment.
I managed to salvage my night. I took a bath, watched Netflix’s Dead to Me, and I visited Josh on his lunch break. We had plans for the Friday after to celebrate my birthday, so I was soothed by the reminder that the best was yet to come.
Friday night, Josh and I went to a sushi buffet with a few of our friends. We had a great time, laughing and eating delicious sushi. That night we originally had plans to make a homemade carrot cake, but I think my mood was still a bit sour. Josh and I had a bit of an argument and I went to bed without making our cake. So December 3, I decided third time’s the charm. Josh and I had a good day together. We wandered around the mall, got some groceries, and then we headed home and proceeded to make the most delicious carrot cake I’ve ever had. We went all out, grating our own carrots, making the cake from scratch. It turned out better than I had anticipated. All was not lost on my birthday weekend.
This year has been a wild one, from start to finish. One thing I feel like I can admire about myself this year is my strength and perseverance. There were moments that felt impossible to get through, and yet I got through them. There were many nights spent lonely and grieving, but I still managed to find the best in my life. I worked hard this year to continue supporting myself through school. I’ve maintained a consistent gym schedule. I’ve maintained friendships with some of the coolest people I know. I’ve continued going to therapy, digging deep each week to reflect on my behavior and how it affects those I love. I’ve consistently been putting in the work to be a better me, and it hasn’t been easy but I keep going.
I’m proud of 24 year old Brittany, and I think 25 will have much more in store. I’m grateful I get to share all of this with all of you.
Until next time~
