Once I do this, this and this, I will be happy. Once I graduate, buy a house, get a good job, get married, have a family, and travel, I will be happy. Once I attain this perfect version of myself, I will FINALLY be happy. Does this sound familiar?
Happiness is not a destination. There will never come a day when you wake up to being the person, or having the life, you have yearned for. The day will never come when you realize you’ve achieved every single goal and fixed every single flaw. The perfect version of you, of your life, quite simply doesn’t exist. The sooner we accept this, the sooner we can move toward real satisfaction.
In our society, we are taught from a young age, by our parents, teachers, and the movies we watch, that we are not good enough. We are, from the beginning, shaped into what is deemed by others to be acceptable. As a result, it’s only natural that we would then do the same to ourselves as we get older. We didn’t learn how to accept ourselves, and so the only way forward is by shaming ourselves into “being better.” The irony here is that only by accepting ourselves can we ever be better.
I once spent months in my room, sitting in a red reclining chair for hours a day, often drinking whiskey and smoking cigarettes. In this period of my life, I was constantly criticizing myself. I felt as if I knew exactly what I needed to do to be better, but I also felt as if doing those things were impossible. I would ask myself why I was so lazy. Why couldn’t I just do the things to better myself? I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just be normal. Go to college, get a good job, find a man, etc. I was stuck in the bedroom at my dad’s house, having returned from a year of traveling. I was more lost than I had ever been.
It wasn’t until I showed myself real compassion that things began to change. When I spent those months in my bedroom, I was never self-accepting. I spent that time rejecting myself, convincing myself that I was nothing but a problem and that no one would ever truly care about me. In a sense, I was right. In that state, no one would care about me, because I couldn’t care about myself. One day I realized I was doing what everyone else had done to me. I rejected myself in the same way my parents seemed to. Instead of loving myself unconditionally, I gave myself ALL of the conditions, and when I failed to meet my expectations, I shoved myself further down the hole.
There is only one person you must live with for your entire life. It is you. Why not make an effort to enjoy your own company? Why not be kinder to yourself? I’ve heard it said before that we should try to treat ourselves like our own best friends. When your friend is wallowing in self pity do you beat them up for it? Or do you show them compassion, and commend them for trying their best? Why is that so hard to do when it comes to ourselves? Why does your best friend deserve comforting but you don’t? What makes you so special that the rules don’t apply?
It wasn’t an easy realization to make, nor was it an easy change to apply. I had to reteach myself how to think, how to talk to myself within the confines of my own skull. I realized that I was young, and I had plenty of time to figure it out. I didn’t expect anyone else my own age to have all of their shit together, so why was I so hard on myself for not? The perfect version of me doesn’t exist! Even if it did, I wouldn’t magically be happy if I attained it. I began giving myself more credit, especially for the little wins. Instead of saying, “The ONLY thing I did today was clean my room,” I would congratulate myself for accomplishing such a big task for the day. It was all about framing. I could never be good enough, or I could be good enough already. One day, I had to decide that I was good enough already.
Before these profound realizations, I was in the habit of Getting in My Own Way. The same part of me that wished so badly to be better was exactly why I couldn’t be. I was putting too much pressure on myself, raising the stakes way too high. Slowly, I began accepting myself for who I am. Instead of forcing these ideals, I recognized that what I had to work with was good enough. When I would get frustrated, I would embrace myself, then.
Comparison is a thief of joy. Everyone is different. Even the people you think have their shit together are probably struggling secretly. The truth is that sometimes life can be really hard. Sometimes, it can downright suck. But telling yourself you shouldn’t feel a certain way, or that you should already have it together not only isn’t helpful, it actively does harm. Give yourself the grace you would give a child learning something new. This way of life is new to you. Be kind to yourself. That is where true healing lies. Not in telling yourself you should already know these things. Not in beating yourself up.
This blog post is a reminder that you’re doing great. Keep it up.
