Knowing Liam has been a huge part of my life. Meeting him in the 7th grade absolutely changed my life, before I’d even realized it. Looking back, it seems obvious. I believe every person we encounter in life, we encounter for a reason.
In 2011, I was in the 8th grade. I was around 12 years old, living with my mother. My best friends were Kaiden, Liam, and Maggy. If it must be known, I was a little bit infatuated with Liam. He was the closest I’d ever gotten to someone of the opposite sex, and even from the beginning, it felt as if we were put into each other’s life through fate.
We met in 7th grade, only a year previously, but life happens fast when you’re 12 years old. We shared a table in FACS class, and later discovered we had been in the same first grade class. Immediately, we became best friends. I began looking forward to FACS class only to spend time with Liam. We texted constantly outside of school and hung out every chance we could get.
I ended the spring of 2011 at Liam’s school, but due to my mom moving, it was decided I’d have to return to my hometown’s school in the fall. I wasn’t thrilled in the slightest. I hated leaving my friends behind. It felt like I’d really created something for myself at the new school, and it was being taken away from me after only three years. Even still, it was not as bad as it could have been. I at least still knew people at my old school, and I was able to stay in contact with those friends from Liam’s school through Facebook and texting. Liam and I remained close, texting every single day.
August passed, and September was nearly over as well, when my life was about to change yet again. On September 27, 2011, early in the morning, I woke and checked Facebook like I did every other morning. Everything was mostly normal, though there was some talk about an ambulance outside of the school I no longer attended, and some people were speculating about what had happened. It was rumored someone had been hit by a car, but no one seemed to know who. I didn’t think much of it. I doubted it had anything to do with me. I went about my day normally, attending school and all. I returned home, excited to be done with school for the day.
Another of my daily routines was to text Kaiden and Liam. I did so this day, followed by opening the Facebook app. Immediately, confusing things appeared on my iPod touch’s screen. There were people talking about “praying for Liam.” There were long paragraphs about how strong he was and how he would make it. It didn’t even register in my mind. I didn’t understand what was happening. It was absurd. Liam was fine, I’d just texted him and he would text back at any moment. My phone buzzed, and I grabbed it, eager to prove to myself that Liam was fine. Instead, it was a text from Kaiden, confirming the worst. Liam was hit by a car that morning. A car traveling 55 or more miles per hour. He was barely clinging to life in an Indianapolis hospital.
As a preteen, I didn’t know how to process this information. It was as if my life had turned into a movie before my very eyes, and I wasn’t in the driver’s seat anymore. I sat back and watched myself as I collapsed onto my bed, sobbing. When my mom came into my room to see what was the matter, I couldn’t even bring myself to tell her. I simply showed her my phone so she could see for herself.
The next weeks were a blur of confusion and overwhelming emotions. I was constantly scrambling for information, feeling more disconnected than ever. I was only a 30 minutes drive away from the rest of my friends, but I felt as if I might as well have been in an entirely different world. I watched as everyone changed their profile picture to things like “Pray for Liam.” I knew none of them knew Liam the way I knew him. I felt simultaneously jealous and guilty for feeling that way. He was my best friend, but he could be loved by others too, and it was hard to reconcile. I relied on Facebook exclusively for updates. I took every lead I could find, as if I were a detective whose sole purpose was to find out the status of Liam.
One day, not so long after the accident, I stumbled upon a woman whose name I now forget. She claimed to be Liam’s aunt, and she enticed me with promises of information. I quickly sent her a friend request and began messaging her. She sent me a barrage of messages, telling me that I was stupid for believing that Liam was going to be okay. She said she wouldn’t be surprised if he were dying at the very moment we were speaking. I knew she must be crazy, but simultaneously, I couldn’t help but wonder. What if she was right? What if my best friend, this boy my 12 year old self was in love with, was dead? I wondered if perhaps that was why there wasn’t any updates. He’d already passed, there were no updates to give. It sent me in a spiral.
This week of my life was one of the darkest. Even when Liam’s dad posted, FINALLY, that Liam was stable but in a medically induced coma, I couldn’t break out of this deep, encompassing sorrow. For a month, Liam slept under the watchful eyes of doctors. Eventually, he began to wake up. More and more each day, but he was still far too out of it to have visitors. About 2 1/2 months after the initial incident, I finally was able to see him, in person, accompanied by his other closest friends and a teacher from his school.
Someone had began making shirts that said Liam’s Team on them to raise money for medical bills. I didn’t have one, so Kaiden made sure to bring an extra I could wear. Quentin, Sydney, Kaiden, and I piled into a car with their teacher. On the way there, we were on a rural road, when suddenly the teacher yelled, “Shit!” I didn’t even immediately realize what had happened. I was preoccupied taking excited selfies with Kaiden and Sydney. We pulled the car over, and it was explained to me that we had just hit a dog. The dog ended up being fine. He actually belonged to one of the teacher’s former students. She felt absolutely horrible, but it all turned out alright. From there, the teacher then took us to dinner. She paid for each of our meals. Finally, we went to Riley Hospital for Children, where Liam had been.
The day I first saw Liam after his accident was one of the most exciting, nerve-wracking, and scary days of my life. Before entering his room, we were warned that Liam had had a brain injury, and couldn’t talk well. He also couldn’t walk. We all walked in, and it was clear Liam was over the moon happy to see us. The excitement was almost too much for him to handle. As he couldn’t talk, he just kept laughing, but his laughs sounded strangled. I remember thinking it was so much funnier to hear him laugh, than whatever he was laughing at. However, that’s how Liam typically was already. We stayed there for hours, telling Liam all the things he’d been missing. He communicated a little with a white board, though writing wasn’t easy for him either. If we really got close, we could sometimes decipher what he was saying.
Liam and I had a running joke. I don’t know how it ever even started. It’s likely I absorbed it from some YouTube video or something, and just began saying it all the time. The saying was, “Tuesday’s are when all the fun happens.” As it happened, Liam’s accident was on a Tuesday, and when we all got to see him again, it was Tuesday. He said to me, in that room, “Tuesday’s are when the fun happens.” In a voice that didn’t belong to him. I couldn’t understand him at first. He had to repeat himself many times, and then, frustrated, he scribbled on the white board. Suddenly, it all hit me. The absurdity of everything. How everything had changed overnight. How much I had missed Liam, and how unlike himself he was. Yet, he was the same Liam. I began crying and had to leave. Thankfully, there were 3 other people to keep him busy enough that I don’t think he noticed.
A few weeks later, Liam’s stepmom, Erica, got ahold of me. Liam had been asking to see me again. She decided she would come pick me up, and I would spend the better part of a day with Liam in his hospital. She came to get me while he was doing physical therapy, and it was ending just as we arrived. We walked to the part of the hospital he was in, and I got to see him walking with his walker. He looked up, and saw me, and I remember feeling overwhelmed with the joy in his eyes. He tried coming to me, but he could barely hold himself up. The nurses, realizing he was too worked up to walk properly now, grabbed his wheel chair and led him to me. He could talk a little better by now, though his voice still seemed to be someone else’s.
I pushed his wheel chair back to his room. Erica left us be for a while. We sat on his bed and laughed until we cried. Then we laughed some more. Erica ordered some pizza. I really don’t remember if we did anything else. I just remember it being the best time ever. I was so happy Liam had chose me to spend his time with. I could tell he was getting better and stronger, and I couldn’t wait for him to leave the hospital. At that point, he had a calendar counting down the days. I think he was about 2 weeks away from going home. I knew we would still be attending separate schools, but I absolutely couldn’t wait until he was free.
Eventually, the time came. I was invited to Liam’s house for his welcome home party. We had a phenomenal time. There was cake, snacks, a bonfire, and a beautiful dog named Cocoa. Most importantly, there was Liam, and all my friends. While the night was amazing, it was always slightly dulled by the knowledge that I’d soon have to go home.
The next months of my life were a whirlwind. It seemed like my emotions couldn’t quite recover. Add that on top of the normal hormonal changes every teenager experiences, I was having a rough time. I grew distant from all my friends. Liam wrote me letters that I have still to this day. He stood by my side through the absolute worst moments of my life. I could never express how important he was to me then. Yet, when the going got rough for Liam, I quickly pushed him away. There were a lot of things about Liam that were fundamentally different after his accident, and it was hard for me to look past. I began to lose touch with what being a friend to him meant. I slowly disconnected from even Liam, telling him I didn’t know how to be his friend.
Sometimes, I worry that is still true. I have great capacity to be selfish and shortsighted. I have a tendency to focus only on the things that benefit me. I’m not always a good friend. I suppose I recognize these things, and I do try to be better, but I still often feel myself bombarded with thoughts that other people are much better off without my presence in their lives. However, I’m beginning to learn that it isn’t always up to me to make that decision for people. When Liam reached out to me about a month ago, I wasn’t all that surprised, but I also didn’t know how to move forward. There was a lot of pain still inside me, both from the loss of Liam and the reality that maybe I’m not a good person. It was hard to confront, but weeks after his initial message, I finally responded. We began catching up, this having been the first time we’d spoken in years.
Everything about who I am is different now. Liam is quite recognizable, even if not exactly the same. I am in a totally different space these days. I’m not depressed all the time. I actually quite enjoy my life. Sometimes, it’s hard to be Liam’s friend, because it’s hard to look back on just how bad my life was when he was my friend. He reminisces a lot on those moments in FACS class. The tears we shed through laughter. The trouble we caused. I want to be there with him, but there is something always holding me back. I still don’t know what it is. I’m on a journey to figure it out. In the meantime, I’m also learning what it means to be a better friend.
Liam and I used to write some killer poetry together. We’re trying our hand at doing so again. He’s in the process of publishing his own poetry book. We’re both working hard to achieve our writing dreams. Nothing is the same as it was in the days of Liam’s accident. Yet, the connection remains. I know I will probably never have a truer friend than Liam. With his permission, I felt it important to share my side of this story that belongs mostly to him. Whether near or far, years in the past or future, it’s suffice to say that knowing Liam has changed my life in ways I can barely conceive of.
