I’m Still Running!

Today, I ran the furthest I’ve ever run. Five whole miles passed by in a blur. Two of those miles were run outside in the snow. Spring is approaching, but winter could not be tamed so easily. My car is in the shop today, so I ran to and from the gym. At the gym, I ran on the treadmill next to a couple of older folks who make a trip there daily to get their steps in. I set out originally to complete a 4-mile run, but by the time I reached the 3-mile mark and should have headed towards home, I kept going. By the time I walked into my apartment, I’d run five miles. It was exhilarating. I’m still running off of that endorphin high.

I’m training for a half marathon in May. Each week, I run at least one recovery run, one speed run, and one long run. The speed runs consist of interval training. It could be one minute on, one minute off. Or, it could be like the run I ran yesterday. One minute at my one mile pace (11’47” or so), two minutes at my 5k pace (15’00”), and three minutes at my 10k pace (17’02”). In between each of those, I would run at an easy pace for 60 seconds to recover. As the weeks progress, my long runs get longer. I began with a 5k, which previously, was the furthest I had ever run. This week was the scheduled 4-mile turned 5-mile run.

I have to say, it feels amazing to push my body in this way. In high school, I struggled to run the four laps around the gymnasium for P.E. I would be hunched over, gasping for breath after the second lap. The third lap would take the rest of what I had to give, and I usually didn’t end up finishing the fourth before giving up. When we had to run a mile for time, I routinely took 20 or more minutes to get around the track, walking at a leisurely pace the entire time. I was not a runner, not by any stretch. When I was bit by the running bug last year, I didn’t know what had gotten into me. It took me by complete surprise, but I still embraced it. There are still times I rely on an inhaler in order to breathe, but overall, I’ve learned to run in a way that is less demanding. I’ve learned my body’s cues when I’m running too fast or when I can take it up a notch.

After my initial 5k last May, I set the goal of running a half marathon a year later, which is this upcoming May. However, I then took an extended break from running. I stopped thinking about the half marathon. I was still going to the gym a few times a week, but cardio wasn’t incorporated into my routine. When I was suddenly inspired to run again a few weeks ago, the desire to complete a half marathon was renewed, but I didn’t (still don’t) really believe in my ability to run 13.1 miles. I mean, before today, my longest run ever was 3.1 miles, and I’m asking myself to add another TEN miles to that? It sounds absurd. The thing is, it is absurd. I could definitely fail. I think that’s what makes me want to do it.

Not trying to brag, but in my life, a lot of things have come easy to me. In grade school, I didn’t have to work very hard to achieve good grades. Writing is another thing that kind of came naturally to me. I didn’t have to put loads of time into learning how to write. I just do it, and people tend to think it’s good writing. With other things such as drawing, I wasn’t so lucky. It doesn’t come easy, and so maybe it’s no surprise that after a short amount of time, I stopped drawing. I have consistently followed this pattern in my life. When things get hard, I quit. Whether it’s a diet, a video game, or writing my memoir, if I have to push myself beyond a certain limit, then I stop trying very quickly.

With running, it absolutely never, under any circumstances, was easy for me. Right off the bat, I was struggling. Struggling to run, struggling to breathe, struggling to keep going, struggling against the mental noise telling me I couldn’t do it. Yet, I keep going. I run further and further, but instead of things getting harder, they’re actually getting easier. As I learn more about form and breathwork, I can sustain my running for longer durations. It’s been really fun to find my new “high scores,” so to speak.

So yes, it’s absolutely absurd to expect myself to run 13.1 miles in a little over 7 weeks time. It’s quite possible I will show up on race day, incapable of finishing. The cut off time is approximately 18 minutes per mile. That gives me close to 4 hours to finish the 13.1 miles. If I can’t keep up with that pace, there will be carts to drag me to the finish line. That very well could be a reality, but I still want to try. I don’t want running to be another one of those things that I give up on simply because it’s hard. In fact, there’s only one thing I can count on with running, and that’s that it will be hard.

As I ran through my 4-mile goal today, I felt great. I was getting into my running zone. I was sweating, but that was almost a badge of honor. My breath was synced up with my legs, and my arms were pumping by my sides. My entire body worked as one, propelling me forward one step at a time. It really is so incredible to have a body that is capable of doing such things. It fills me with gratitude. I have taken my body for granted many a time, treating it poorly, filling it with junk, and laying stagnant on the couch for hours, hell, days at a time. I’ve smoked cigarettes ’til my lungs were charred, filled my body with the poison that is alcohol and various other drugs. All the while, I was giving myself subtle messages that my body was not worth taking care of. That I was not worth taking care of. Well, I do think those days are mostly over. Food is still a big struggle of mine. I have a major sweet tooth, and I struggle to eat a balanced diet. I do at least pay attention in ways that I never did before. I make sure to drink plenty of water. I move my body, whether it be weight lifting, running, yoga, or a peaceful walk with my love. I treat myself with much more kindness these days. I’m beginning to change the narrative: I deserve to be taken care of. I deserve to feel good in my body. I deserve to challenge myself and work hard to prove myself capable, even if only to myself.

I hope to take this mentality into other aspects of my life. This semester in school is proving more difficult than probably anything else I’ve done. I want to prove to myself I am capable of finishing strong. I’d like to finally finish a first draft of my memoir. I want to dig into my nutritional needs and find a meal plan that works for me. I want to take these difficult things and show myself I can handle them. I no longer need to run away from things just because they don’t come naturally to me. I feel good about the progress I’ve made so far this year. I think 2023 will be a year full of self-discovery, self-love, and self-discipline. I’m going to own my shit, ya know?

I hope this blog post finds you all well and perhaps even inspires you to tackle something difficult this week.

Until next time ~