The last you heard from me, it was May. I had just finished my Junior year of school, and I was excited to embark on a summer full of fun and adventures. While fun and adventures were definitely had, I also found myself quite lost in the darkness of my own creation.
This summer was extraordinary. Filled with one concert per month, two of which required traveling to Chicago. I saw Death Cab For Cutie not once, but twice. I even managed a trip to the beach, something I’ve yet to do since the first time I saw the ocean over 7 years ago. All of these, I hope to write posts about in the near(ish) future. Stay tuned!
So bizarre, then, that my summer was also one of pain and struggle. My spring semester last year was hard. It kind of pushed me to my limits. I ended up drinking for the first time in over three years. It started slow, and I managed to convince myself that I could control it. Over the course of the summer, though, it became clear that I could not. To top it off, I had an issue with my insurance, and I had to stop going to therapy for nearly 3 months. I will finally be able to go back in November. It’s definitely a reminder of how beneficial therapy has been for me. I’m grateful to say that I’ve now got nearly a month of newfound sobriety under my belt. I have no idea what my future holds, but I know that, for now, it’s best that I don’t drink.
Needless to say, I’ve been a little preoccupied, and this blog fell to the wayside. I hope that changes now.
This time a couple months ago I felt kind of hopeless. Despite all of the evidence proving otherwise, I was convinced that I am a failure. That my future is bleak, and that I will never do anything of substance in this life. I felt like there was no way out of the way I was feeling. I felt disconnected from everyone I love, and I felt that I had no one to turn to. I realize now, that a lot of that was just the liquor talking. Just a few short weeks of no alcohol has already changed my outlook. I’ve been able to connect more with friends and Josh. I’ve been spending more time taking care of myself, and less time wallowing in a booze-fueled pity party. It’s funny, too, because the moment I stopped drinking again, life started throwing exciting opportunities my way, a reminder of what this life is truly about.
So that leads me to the other part of the title of this post. I’m fundraising for a trip to Italy. Through school, I’ve got an incredible chance to go to Rome and Florence during my Spring Break. Leaving the country is something I’ve been dreaming of since I was able to dream. Unfortunately, it is a pricey trip. The itinerary is packed full with guided tours, museum visits, day trips to significant cities. The package includes my flight, hotel, and some meals. Being that I’m still a broke college student (only until May, yippee!), I need all the help I can get. If you’re able to, I would be grateful for any amount you can provide!
Fundraising is tricky. There’s a level of guilt I feel asking strangers and friends alike for their money. Life is extremely expensive for everyone these days, and I don’t ever want to take from those that need the money as much as I do. That being said, this trip is something I cannot accomplish alone. I’m picking up all the extra shifts, donating plasma, selling chocolate. I’m doing all of the things I can think of to do, and I still need help. Asking for help isn’t always easy, but I’m hoping that it’s worth it. Thanks for sticking around, reading these silly blog posts, and reminding me that I’m not as alone as I sometimes feel.
Until next time ~
Sadie
October 25, 2023 — 3:48 pm
So glad to see you back! I too have to refrain from drinking/ any kind-altering substances. Stopped drinking on 1/23/19 but relapsed January 1, 2021 on weed, didn’t think it was that bad at first but by the summer of 2022 I was going nuts with it and smoking stuff from the rez that seemed to be making me feel insane. I have been totally sober since 9/29/2022, thankfully. Had a tough time last winter being put on a bunch of mood stabilizers and antipsychotics / sleeping meds / blood pressure meds which made me beyond suicidal to the point I couldn’t think straight. Ended up ODing on Benadryl (365 pills 😣) and thankfully was found in time to be rushed to the hospital. I’m grateful and blessed and lucky that today I am able to walk, talk, remember things, think clearly, and was taken off all the medications I had been put on. Took a while to recover from the anxiety and sadness/fear but I am getting back into the sober community and happier today than I’ve ever been it seems. Life is so not cut and dry, and the experiences are so valuable. You’ve helped me a lot throughout this time, by sharing your experience and from reading your blog posts. I have been checking daily in hopes it was the day you updated. Today was the day! So thankful for you and your honesty and kindness in relating and inspiring in more ways than I can express. Hope you have a great day and congratulations on getting back on your feet. Happy to see you shining 🙂
beryan282
October 25, 2023 — 4:18 pm
This is seriously so kind of you to reach out. Had no idea people cared enough to check daily to be quite honest. I am so glad you’re here with us and able to recover. Weed these days is honestly no joke. The THC content is so high, it can really mess you up! I’m glad you are aware enough to see that sobriety is the best bet for you. Thanks for sharing your experiences. Life is quite nuts, but I feel one of the main points of it all is this human connection/relation. Congrats on over a year sober <3
Sadie
November 4, 2023 — 11:30 pm
Thank you so much, I was pretty embarrassed after I posted that, I was hoping it didn’t come off as trauma-dumping, not quite sure what I was doing but maybe trying to relate and letting you know how happy I am that you write this blog. Your posts are touching and well-written! Your words resonate, and I’ve been inspired to step into my own power/light after hearing your words. My partner just had a relapse after 5 years but got back on track and actually it was a positive experience. People can get caught up in the numbers, but you don’t lose the time you had and who’s to judge your journey, no shame at all in learning what works and doesn’t work for you. Im glad I had that experience because it helped me get to know myself better. That to me was worth a miserable couple months. I’m excited for your next entry! Im sure I’m not the only one checking so frequently, you have to hire an ability to channel through your words. Thank you for sharing 💚
Sadie
November 4, 2023 — 11:34 pm
I meant to write *quite the ability, not “to hire” 😭 have a great night. 😅😊