Decluttering the Chaos

I feel like I’ve been a little stuck in depression lately. Maybe it’s the season, maybe it’s the stress of school, maybe it’s the way I’ve been eating lately. It could be a combination of all of the above. School does has its way of getting to me, even when I think I’m not all that stressed. Mostly, I think I just repress my feelings too thoroughly. Then, when I begin to feel a bit down, I can’t really pinpoint it because I’ve become so adept at hiding from myself.

Maybe it’s self-rejection. I simply keep pushing myself away. That inner child version of me is crying out, and I keep denying her.

Maybe it’s the way the cold gets into my bones and won’t leave. I swear, I walked into the freezing operating room over a month ago, and I never got the chill to go away.

Now, we’re days away from a winter storm, possibly a blizzard. I suppose we will see. Regardless of how much snow we’re going to get, they’re predicting temperatures below zero. All I want to do is stay inside my house all day, cozied up on the couch with some hot chocolate and the love of my life. Instead, a lot of my evenings are lonely. Working opposite shifts has been really hard. I can only be grateful that it will be coming to an end soon.

Maybe it’s the tasks that feel endless. I’ve had certain things on my to-do list for at least six months. Each week, I just rewrite them, knowing that I likely won’t check it off at the end of the week. My desk has become a catch-all in my living room. Mail, receipts, even clothes end up piled upon it. I’ve even been letting it effect school. It’s cluttered to the point where I have no desire to sit at it to study or write. I have these plastic storage bins in my bedroom that are full of craft supplies, photos, mementos, etc. I’ve been wanting for months to go through them and get rid of what I won’t use. I also would like to start a scrapbook to put all of those mementos in. My closet is stuffed with clothes that I won’t wear. I have two dresses from the two weddings I was in that I don’t really know what to do with. These unfinished tasks give my life a sense of chaos.

So, I’ve taken it upon myself to make a list of things I can accomplish before the New Year that will let me walk into 2023 feeling like I’ve got a truly blank slate to work with.

• Deal with my desk: declutter and reorganize the space so that it actually encourages me to study and write, maybe even buy a shelf for next to the desk to hold some of the things that clutter the desk
• Go through the plastic storage bins & begin a scrap book or photo album
• Donate clothes I’m not going to wear, make a list of clothes that I need
• Clean out my car
• Sort through my yarn & plan a crochet project

I’ve got 11 days before 2023 to accomplish these tasks. Lucky for me, I’ve got a break from school. I am working quite a bit, but only in the day, which leaves my evenings free for these tasks. It may seem a little silly that these mundane things have been weighing so heavily on me, but it’s more about the wasted potential. It’s knowing that I could have done these things but simply haven’t. My space feels chaotic but so does my brain. I think achieving these things will help quite a bit.

Mostly, I think I just need to take a massive step away from social media. I thought that I was winning by never downloading Tiktok, but it turns out every other social media is becoming their own version of Tiktok. The short videos have wrecked my attention span. Sometimes, while I’m scrolling endlessly, I even catch myself thinking about how stupid some of the videos are. Yet, I keep going, determined to get those quick fixes of dopamine. There have been evenings that I was intending on cleaning the house, going to the gym, cooking dinner, or any other number of productive things where instead I ended up on the couch watching YouTube shorts. Suddenly, it’s time for bed, and I’ve yet to accomplish anything on my list for the day. Then I wonder why I’m so bummed out.

I’m wasting all of my energy on things that add no meaning to my life. The things that do give me a sense of fulfillment fall to the wayside, and I lose myself. I’ve set out many a time to cut social media out of my life, but I somehow keep getting dragged back in. Each time, I tell myself that I’m serious this time. Addiction is a strong word, but I definitely feel it applies here.

So I’m going to set out another time to severely cut back on the time I spend scrolling through social media. I have a list now of things I can work on when my brain convinces me I have nothing to do but be on my phone. I’ve got 11 days to declutter the chaos. Chances are, once I’ve accomplished those things on my list I will have found new things I can work on. My hope is it will inspire a bit of an upward spiral. Then, I can use the new year momentum to make some other changes I’ve been needing.

So, just like the predicted winter storm, we shall see. I’ll check back later to let you know how it went. In the meantime, maybe you’re now inspired to create your own “things I can do to walk into 2023 with a clean slate” list. If so, feel free to share them here. I cheer you on from afar.

Until next time ~