There are some things in life I never expected to be. When I was younger, my parents made comments about me being a doctor some day. While it was fun to entertain the idea, I never actually believed I’d be one. From a young age, I have always had a hard time imagining myself being a mother. I think I am far too selfish for motherhood, as well as far too afraid. I know first hand how easy it is for parents to traumatize their children. I don’t really want to be on the other end of that. Another thing I experienced as a kid was exercise-induced asthma. That term used to really embarrass me. I thought it was just from being overweight and out of shape. Turns out, it doesn’t really matter how “in shape” I am, I still can’t breathe when I run. So trust me when I say I never, ever expected to be a runner… Yet here I am.
A few months ago, I stumbled upon a YouTuber named Taylor Woods. Her personality is super bubbly and friendly. She talks openly and honestly about her fitness journey. She offers tips and tricks for working out, but more than anything, watching her videos feels like I’m hanging out with a friend. I think the very first video I saw of hers was talking about how she was training for a half marathon. It was pretty cool to watch her progress from not really having any interest in running, to suddenly training to run 13.1 miles. I kept watching her videos, and eventually I began listening to her podcast. I don’t really know what it was, but the way she talked about running intrigued me. She recommended the Nike Run Club app for guided runs. One day, I said, “Screw it,” and I put on some headphones as I walked out my door.
My very first run wasn’t much of a run at all. I followed Taylor’s advice and used the Nike Run Club app. I selected a run called “First Easy Run.” Coach Bennett led me through my first ever recreational run. I keep calling it a run, but honestly I was probably going about 3.5 miles per hour. It was a brisk walk. I knew that if I truly picked up the pace I would be wheezing, and I’d left my inhaler at home. The coach did an excellent job of making me feel proud of myself, even with my 3.5 mph pace. He said it’s an easy run, and it should feel exactly the way it sounds: easy. I gave myself some grace that day. My brain has the tendency of being very hard on me. I hold myself to high standards and beat myself up if I do not meet them. I have held myself back from doing plenty of things just because I believed I would not be good enough to do them. I realize now that that isn’t any way to live life. If you’re letting the fear of not being good enough hold you back, you won’t get very far. So I tried to channel that energy into my first run. When I returned home, I felt great. It was a mixture of the sunshine, the coaching, and the physical movement, but I was high on endorphins. With relatively little effort, I gave myself an extreme boost in mood and confidence. I couldn’t wait to run again.
That first run was March 18. I ran 1.14 miles in 20 minutes time. Since then, I’ve been running three times a week. I seriously don’t know what’s gotten into me, but I am loving it. I have to bring my inhaler, because running still kills my lungs, but I come home from each run just as invigorated as I did on that first one. I would say I have made some progress. My 20 minute mile has turned into maybe 13 or 14 minutes. Just yesterday, I ran 2 miles in 30 minutes. If you had told me just at the beginning of this year that by may I’d be running TWO MILES I would have laughed at you. It was a completely unexpected development in my life. It wasn’t anywhere near my radar. I’ve been doing yoga for a couple years now, and I definitely have wanted to expand my fitness journey, but running was the last thing I had in mind. In fact, any kind of cardio was daunting to me. When things take your literal breath away, they become kind of monstrous. They invoke feelings of fear and doubt. I truly did not believe what I am achieving now would ever be possible to me.
I feel like that statement pretty much sums up the effect running has on you. It is such a mental battle. Your brain convinces you that you cannot do things, but your body is fully capable of them so long as you push past the mental block. The first time I ran intervals, I thought there was no way I could make it through. You basically run for one minute straight, then stop for 30 seconds before running for another straight minute. Before that run, I found it hard to full on run for more than 15 seconds at a time, let alone 60! Yet, I did it. 8 intervals later, I was a new woman. I was a woman who believed in her ability to run for at least a minute at a time. That minute has turned into 3 or 4. If I’m running the treadmill, I can go 5.5 mph for about 3 minutes before I have to go back down to 3.5 to cool down. Alternating back and forth, I can easily reach the two mile mark within 30 minutes. I’m proud of that! It’s progress, and it’s beautiful.
Recently, I decided that I’m going to run a half marathon. Approximately one year from now, which should be plenty of time to train, I will run 13.1 miles, nonstop until I reach the finish line. This feat, much like running at all, feels kind of impossible to me. Even saying it to you now, I feel like I am making believe. I am trying to convince you it will happen, but in the back of my mind there is a seed of doubt planted. Yet, I am determined. I can’t tell you why. I don’t understand it fully myself. All that I know is that I have grown to love the act of running. I have grown to love the challenge to keep putting one foot in front of the other, despite the burning I feel in my legs and my lungs. There is something so beautiful about hitting a new record for distance or speed. Each new milestone reinforces the belief I have in myself. Things which have felt impossible to me are now possible. Goals I never even dreamed of, I have achieved. It gives me the feeling that I could do anything.
A much more achievable goal I have is to run a 5k. It was a vague goal, though, with no real time limit or plan. “Maybe I’ll run a 5k sometime,” is how I thought of it in my mind. Last week, as I drove back and forth to the last few classes of my semester, I kept passing a sign for a community 5k. The first couple of times I passed it, I thought to myself, “I should check that out.” After the 5th or 6th time, I realized that I really should check it out. I went to the website, and I signed up. On May 21, I will be running my first ever 5k. I am so excited, but more than that I am proud of myself for taking initiative. A conclusion I keep coming back around to is: No one else will make my dreams happen for me. I am the one who has the power to make my dreams come true.
Fitness in general is becoming a huge part of my life right now. Since I just finished up my school semester, I now have some free time for the summer. I plan to use the extra time to begin doing some consistent strength training. At my size, I can doubly benefit from building muscle. Once school starts back up, the goal is to maintain a consistent schedule, but I know myself well enough to know that strength training 3 times a week as well as running 2 to 3 times a week on top of a full-time school schedule isn’t all that realistic. Therefore, I plan to focus mostly on running when school ramps back up. That way, come next May, I will be amply prepared to run my half marathon.
As a result of fitness becoming a part of my identity, I am sure I will keep you all updated. At the very least, I will be making a post in the future talking about my experience running a half marathon. Maybe I’ll detail my fitness journey so far. Who knows?
My future is exciting to me. I have a lot going on in life, a lot to feel proud of. I have big goals and plans, and I’m grateful to have this platform to share myself with people that care. With my two year blog anniversary upcoming, it is only natural to reflect on it thus far. I love that I chose to build this blog. I have grown unbelievably over these two years. To know that you are there, behind the screen, cheering me on from afar, means a lot to me. Some of you I know personally, some I have never met and probably never will. Still, the connections I’ve made have been invaluable in this journey I’m on. It is nice to know I am not alone, talking into a black hole.
Thanks for being here, reading my blog! I hope at least one of you is inspired by today’s post and decides to take that first step towards something that’s important to you. You’re the one who has the key, and I’ll be here, cheering you on, too.
By the way! Episode 2 of mine and Alina’s podcast is out now. If you feel so inclined, you can listen to it here:
